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Questions and Answers for Young Moms (Part II)
By: Murphy Toerner, LPC, NCC, LMFT

CHILDREN

2a. My two year old tells me that she has to go "potty" right before bedtime. (She is potty trained.) When I take her, she does not actually have to "go." I'm trying to impress on her not to lie. Is she too young to understand this concept?

A -- There are several ways to look at this situation. Your child may actually think that she has to go to the bathroom and then "can't make herself go." (I'm 52 and sometimes I have that sensation, don't you?)

Perhaps, she is making sure that she does not have an accident (and now her trying to make sure that she goes again before bedtime has become part of her nightly routine. It only takes about 3-4 days of doing something the same thing repeatedly to begin a "habit".) If her behavior is rooted in "not having an accident," then, she is revealing her desire to "please" you by making sure that she does this "potty thing" just so.

I doubt that she is actually lying to you. So, I would not be stressing this aspect with her. At age two, another reasonable explanation is she simply wants your attention. ATTENTION is one of the greater needs of a young child. Sometimes we don't give them enough attention. Sometimes we give the too much. Sometimes, we give them more attention for their poor choices than we do their good choices. Be aware of these things.

Some other things I could mention are ... her "attachment style". She may be testing to see your responsiveness to her needs... (This is a foundational dynamic between a "care-giver" and a child and it actually impacts the "hard-wiring of the brain" of the child. It sets in place how a child will learn to relate and interact with other people for the rest of his/her life. A good book about this is: Attachments by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibsy.)

2b. I have a friend who refers to one of her children as being "possessed" or a "little devil" (in front of the child) which I feel like is negatively affecting her child. Am I being too nosy or sensitive about this? How do I approach this with her or should I even approach the subject?

A--I believe we need to treat every person with dignity including children.

If I use a "pet" name for a child, they need to be able to tell me if they are comfortable with it. If they are (believing that they are able to tell the adult what they really, sincerely think and feel), then, I need to LISTEN to the young person's opinion and give them the dignity they deserve. (Jesus loved children..."Suffer the little children to come unto me...; Unless you become like a little child...you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven..." We need to as well.)

2c. What is the best way to help a 5 year old child deal with anger when she has been hurt by someone or disciplined or anything? She is very explosive sometimes and I normally just try to wait and let her get the emotions out.

A--Ignoring the outbursts of a child can lead to "extinction" of the undesired behavior. There are lots of ways to "ignore" behavior. You can step over a child while they are in the midst or throwing a tantrum. You can leave the room. You can pick them up and put them in "time-out." You can bring them to their room and shut the door. (When I used to do this, I would say, "You can cry all you want...we just don't have to listen to you do it!")

You can "shape" their behavior by reinforcing the positive behavior. First, anytime they keep their "wits" about them, you can praise them heartily for their new-found "self-control." You can emphasize how they are getting bigger and more mature (i.e., how were you able to not throw your tantrum???? You did GREAT!!!!!!!) Secondly, you can put them in their room and "reward" non-tantrum behavior by opening the door when they begin to quiet themselves down. Ask, "Are you finished ?????" (Of course, they will immediately begin to scream at the top of their lungs again because they have an audience... If they do this say, "Oh, you are not finished???" then, immediately shut the door and repeat the cycle again.) When they begin to get a little quieter...even if they are still struggling a bit... open the door...ask if they are finished... if they are attempting to do better... praise them for their self-control and pick them up and love on them. At this point!

, you are actually rewarding "self-controlling" behavior.

2d. How do you improve the attitude of a 4.5 year old who is constantly difficult? Could he have some kind of disorder where he needs medication? (Could a child this young be "bi-polar"?)

A--First let me answer the diagnosing question. Can children at this age be "bi-polar" (previously known as "manic-depressive")? ... Yes, they can. This view has emerged in the last several years. Previously, according to the Diagnostic Manual (the book of diagnosing guidelines), to be given this diagnosis, one HAD to be an adult. So, the thinking was that children could not be given this label. This is being reconsidered. I recently attended a continuing education seminar and heard the presenter testify that he believes that some children are bi-polar and that the criteria for diagnosing this disorder will be amended in the near future.

Now, your question, "How do you improve the attitude of a 4.5 year old child? The first thing would be to look at the dynamics between the parents and the child. (I don't mean this in a blaming way... I mean it simply in an observation way. I would want to gather as much information as I could to get a handle on the dynamics between the key people.)

Secondly, I would want to know the underlying parenting philosophy of the parents. What do they believe about parenting, good parenting? What do they believe about how children should behave at certain ages? What have they used in the past they has worked? What have they used in the past that has not worked? Are the parents: rigid, lenient, or inconsistent. Do the parents have a grasp on why the child might be acting out in the ways that he/she is? Is it for attention or power?

Thirdly, I would start to shape my child's behavior by becoming as consistent with him/her as humanly possible. We want to reward the child for positive behavior or even for improved behavior. We want immediate consequences for his/her poor choices. I would try every means possible to see if the "bad attitude" behavior is due to something less pathological. You may need the assistance of a professional.

If everything fails, after having given a good faith effort, then, you could take the child to a child psychiatrist to ascertain if the child is struggling with some pathology, such a "bi-polar" disorder.

(I know that this must be a very difficult situation, hang in there and walk through these steps. God will lead you through this.)

About The Author Murphy Toerner has been a Christian counselor in private practice in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, since 1992. She is also a writer and retreat speaker. If you are interested in more information about Murphy, please check her website: www.murphytoerner.com. mtoerner@hotmail.com

This article was posted on March 27, 2006
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